I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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