the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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