If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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