Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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