I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
