I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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