We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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