When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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