I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
