Plan B is the new Plan A
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
