3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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