Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
