he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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