Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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