I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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