Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize