dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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