Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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