Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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