Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
