Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
