You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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