I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
