No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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