I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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