Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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