HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've blown a few things in my day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
