happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
