Your face is a jimmy john
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
