If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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