Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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