atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
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I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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