I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
