I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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