I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's get the cat blown out
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