I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
