In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
