There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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