Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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