We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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