am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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