im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
