Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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