Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
