I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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