I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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