if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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