this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
