Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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