can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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