I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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