i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
