Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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