He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
