What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
