dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
