I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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