Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
