apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
