well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
