apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
